As Conventional A Family As Possible
by defying3reason
Summary: Rachel Rathaway desperately wants a grandchild. Unfortunately for James, Piper underestimated the level of desperation. Crack!fic, M-Preg


_A/N: This fic was written for the Fanon Cliche Challenge on the Piper/Tricks community over at Livejournal. M-Preg isn't usually my thing, but I was actually trying to challenge myself by going outside my comfort zone. Thanks to the crack-y nature of the prompt, this fic's an AU (set sometime vaguely around the Messner-Loebs and Waid runs), and a little crack-y to boot. Hope ya like it :)_

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><p>The phone was ringing.<p>

Piper was pulled to wakefulness very much against his will, because once he registered the ringing phone he also noticed the glaring afternoon sunlight (which made him wonder yet again why he hadn't boarded over the bedroom windows, or at least gotten heavy drapes).

He threw a hand out, trying to find a pillow to pull over his head, but his hand only smacked against a sweaty back, eliciting a groan from his companion.

"Ow…" James whined, even though the flailing grope hadn't hurt. "Why'd ja hit me?"

"Grnrn…pillow," Piper answered eloquently.

The two were in what could only be described as a heap, curled around each other with the bedding mostly tangled between them and not really doing its job. Make-up sex tended to be energetic like that.

"Piper, answer your phone."

"No…" He ineffectually flailed some more, trying to get his hand on a pillow, and settled for crushing his face into James' back. Laughing, James grabbed the phone off the night stand, hit the green button, and reached back to pass it to Piper. Piper snarled, then answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello darling, it's mummy. How are you doing dear?"

Piper was suddenly tempted to hit his boyfriend. He sat up, roughly yanked the sheet from where it was tangled through James' legs and pulled it over his lap, not wanting to be fully nude while talking to his mother.

"Hi Mom. I'm fine, how are you?"

James was snickering. Piper actually did smack him that time.

"Ow! Hey, that one hurt!"

"Oh, is that James? Tell him I said hello and that I hope he's well," Rachel said.

Piper shifted the phone. "Mom says hi and hopes you're well." And wasn't that just a little surreal?

"Tell Mrs. R. I said hi. I guess we're up now then. I'm gonna cook breakfast."

"You do that."

James rolled out of bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and left the bedroom. Piper put the phone back to his ear. "James says hi. So what's up?"

"Oh, I just wanted a little chat. Are things still going well with you and James? He is treating you appropriately, I hope?"

Piper laughed. "Of course he is. Yeah, we're fine. I mean we have fights sometimes," like last night, for example, "but that's totally normal for couples."

"Well then, does that mean you're quite serious about each other?" She was fishing. Piper narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"We've _been_ serious. Why?"

"Well you don't live together."

"Yeah, and?"

Her voice took on that artificial casual tone that no one in their right mind would buy. "Nothing, nothing. It just seems like in a _proper_ relationship, you'd be living together at this stage."

"Mom, I'm not having this fight again. I love James, I _am_ sure I'm gay, and if I was a heterosexual I still probably wouldn't be married by now."

"Well really Hartley, are you ever planning on giving me a grandchild?"

"Goodbye Mom."

"Hartley, don't hang up on-"

He hung up the phone, tossed it at the end of the bed, and buried his face in his hands. "Urgh…not again." Whenever one of Rachel's horrible society friends' daughters or daughters-in-law got pregnant, Piper invariably got a harassing phone call. He'd been glad when his parents decided they could think about maybe accepting the fact that he was a homosexual, really, but now that they were actually comfortable enough with it to talk to him about his life choices, he kind of missed the days when they hadn't acknowledged his romantic life.

Piper rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand, yawned, and reluctantly got out of bed (it wasn't as much fun without a naked blond to cuddle up to anyway). He took a shower, then went downstairs to see how breakfast was coming along.

And to his horror found James on his cell phone chatting with Mrs. Rathaway while he finished up an omelet.

"Really Mrs. R, you don't have to worry. Neither of us have problems committing. We are totally, one hundred percent committed. I spend almost all my time over here anyway…yeah, I know I should get rid of the other place but…sorry Mrs. R, your son's trying to kill me with his eyes. I guess I'd better go…well it's been nice talking to you too! Oh stop, of course I mean it…yeah, I'll tell him…and I'll see you for lunch on Saturday. Bye."

"You are _not_ allowed to take my mother out to lunch."

"She offered! That means she's paying, right? Cuz I assume she'd wanna go someplace, y'know…fancy. And probably outta my price range. Your mom sounds really classy."

Piper quirked an eyebrow. "Go figure."

"And _way_ nicer than you let on. How come I'm only talking to her now?" James asked. He set a delicious looking omelet in front of Piper with a plate of toast and a mug of coffee and was partially forgiven.

"You're only talking to her now because you're not used to her. She's meddlesome, and she wheedles…come on James, the only reason she's being nice to you is because she wants to bleed you for information about me."

"Well duh. But you could fix that by just telling her things." James shrugged. "I think it's kinda cute that she wants to know about your relationship with me."

"Because she wants me to get married and make babies! Apparently being gay isn't enough of a counterargument," Piper fumed.

"Well…it's kinda not," James said. Piper glared at him. "Come on, you have like dozens of acquaintances who are gay and have kids. And like every long standing couple you know has had at least a commitment ceremony." James' head was down as he stabbed at his breakfast. "Maybe our relationship should be a little further along."

Piper pushed his plate away and stood up. "That's exactly why I don't want you talking to my mother. Because she does things like that!"

"Piper, hey! Where are you-" The front door slammed. "Going?"

**_Some Years Ago_**

"Hey Piper, come on, pick up the pace," James hissed.

Piper was standing still, gaping at the research facility. Thankfully he was in a security camera blind spot. James motioned at him to keep moving. "You-you want to rob _that_?" Piper asked, finally unfreezing. "Why?"

"I told you back at the hideout that there wasn't much of a profit margin in this heist, now will you move it? We're gonna get caught if we keep standing around."

"Sorry, sorry." Piper ducked down and followed after James. "So why are we here?"

Well, he knew why _he_ was there, it was because of pretty blue puppy dog eyes (and just when the hell had James noticed he got more positive responses to favor requests when he took his domino mask off anyway?). James professed himself straight, but he was pinging Piper's gaydar anyway, and really it never hurt to be nice to the exceptionally pretty on the off-chance they'd feel bicurious someday…

"I got a tip that there's some amazing tech in this place. I'm gonna get the materials to trick out some yo-yos like you wouldn't believe! Oh, and you should pick yourself out something nice," James said, throwing a charming smile over his shoulder. Piper dazedly smiled back, and walked into a low tree branch.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, fine." Piper rubbed at his eye and followed after.

Breaking into the facility really was relatively easy with Piper along. His pipes were capable of taking out almost all of the security, and what he didn't get James took out with his tricks. It was actually kind of fun.

'I wonder if I could count this as a date…' Piper mused. It had been awhile. Even before Earl had been put away for armed robbery, it's not like he and his ex had gone out together much (other than casing places and robbing them-Earl and Piper had perfected the art of the romantic holdup). No, it was probably less pathetic to have a year long dry spell than to try to count working with a (flamboyant) straight kid as a date.

Before Piper knew it, James was running down a corridor towards him clutching a bright orange duffel bag with 'Loot' spray painted on it in lime green letters. "That's it? We're done?"

"Did you grab anything?" James asked.

"I don't know what any of this stuff is!" Piper snapped.

"Hm. Okay, one sec. Hold this." James tossed him the bag and ran into another room. He jogged back out a moment later and handed Piper a little blue stone. "Sapphire? I don't know if it's worth much. It's probably lab created in a place like this, but you might get a good price for it. Thanks for the assist Piper. I owe you."

"Th-thanks." No one had given Piper a gemstone before. He pocketed it and followed James out of the facility.

And the next morning, when Ignatius Roth drove up to his laboratory and saw the smoking wreckage of his electrified fence, his security drones, and his cameras, he slammed his head onto his steering wheel and started sobbing like a baby. Lex Luthor was going to have his _ass_ for all the wasted capital he'd been advanced.

**_PRESENT_**

"Hey Mrs. R, sorry I'm late. Your son was sabotaging me for some reason."

"That does sound like him." Rachel smiled disarmingly and motioned towards the chair opposite her.

James sat down, smiling politely with his hands folded in his lap. He had no idea if he was making a good impression or not-the lady had a better poker face than he did.

A waiter came by with glasses of ice water and lemon. "Thank you, we'll just need a moment with the menus." Rachel waved him away again, and then turned an expectant look to James. "So Hartley tells me the two of you met while he was having difficulties with the family. I've found it safe to assume you're one of those costumed personalities as well?"

Wow, she really didn't know much about him then. James felt a little stung. Did he embarrass Piper or something? (Never mind that he'd made it his gimmick to be embarrassing, that totally wasn't the point!). "Yeah, uh…I met Pi-Hartley, uh, I met Hartley while we were both still supervillains. But when he reformed I kinda followed after him. I guess he's been a good influence for me."

"I see. So dear, what was your gimmick?" Rachel asked, looking more interested than horrified. James obliged with some small talk about the old days, and found Mrs. Rathaway to be a charming, rapt audience, with polite queries and even compliments ("Well really, those flying shoes sound quite impressive. I can't believe you invented them when you were still basically a child!"). By the time the food came, James felt like he was chatting with an old friend.

Rachel let out a wistful sigh. "So even though you've only been dating Hartley for a little over a year, the two of you have been close friends for much longer. I can't believe I'm only meeting you now."

"Same here. Hartley thought you and your husband had a hangup about his sexuality, but it seems like if you did, you're over it."

"Mm. I would have preferred him to be heterosexual of course. It would have been easier. But there's nothing to be done for that now. It seems rather foolish to make a fuss about something we can't control," Rachel said thoughtfully. "I do wish Osgood hadn't made such a big deal of it when we found out. Hartley was so young, he took it rather hard, and now I can't get him to trust us again."

James frowned. "Sounds about right, yeah. He's guarded about some stuff, even with me and I'm pretty good at managing his moods. Well when I report back to him, I'll let him know that you've got the best of intentions."

"Thank you dear, that's very kind."

James beamed at her. "He thought you only asked me out to lunch to grill me about weddings and grandbabies you know."

"Oh, I'll only bother Hartley about that. It's not my place to pry with you, I still barely know you. But if you did want to oblige me on your own…"

James shrugged. "What do you wanna know?"

"Well are you interested in settling down and having as conventional a family as is possible, given the circumstances?" Rachel asked.

He nodded. "I mean, maybe not soon, but I want kids. I just don't know if it's possible. Pretty sure adoption's out, what with our records, and I haven't really looked into surrogacy or anything. I dunno. We'll figure that out when we get there. I haven't really talked to Hartley about this yet. Do you think he wants kids?"

"I…I hope so. But I daresay you'd probably know better than I would."

"I wouldn't count on that. But I'll keep you posted."

"Thank you James, that's very sweet. Well, I'd better get going. I have some errands to run. But this was lovely. Would you like to do this again next week?" Rachel asked, grabbing the bill away from James before he could look at it.

"Sure. Sounds great." He stood up and walked her to her car. Before leaving she leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

"I'm glad to see my son has found a good partner. Goodbye James."

"Bye Mrs. R."

* * *

><p>"I think your mom's the sweetest woman I've ever met."<p>

Piper felt James' forehead. "Well you don't feel hot. Maybe she figured out how to use my tech and hypnotized you or something."

"I mean it Piper, your mom's really nice."

Piper shook his head and started walking towards his room. "She must want something."

"Yeah, a relationship with you." James followed after and flopped onto the bed while Piper started digging around the top of his dresser.

"She's got a relationship with me, but it's…complicated."

"It doesn't have to be."

"She's the one who complicated it!" Piper snapped. "Her and Dad! Look…a parent is supposed to love you. They're supposed to love you for who you actually are, not who they want you to be. And they certainly shouldn't throw you out because you haven't met their expectations, especially when you're a fucked up emotional teenager."

"Yeah, but that was years ago and they're sorry."

"I know…but it's hard to trust them." Piper sat down heavily on the bed next to James. James reached over and gave his hand a squeeze.

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to cancel the lunch date for next week?"

Piper squeezed his hand back. "No. I…well, if Mom was being malicious, you'd probably notice. You've always been good at reading people. Maybe…maybe I'll join you."

"Really?"

"Just give me some time to think about it, okay?"

"Sure babe. Take as much time as you need. So are you about ready to head out and meet up with Wally and Linda?" James asked.

Piper got up and walked back over to his dresser. "In a minute. I was looking for something."

"Kay. I'm gonna go hit up the bathroom before we leave then."

Piper nodded, and once James was out of the room he opened the top drawer and fished a small velvet box out from the bottom of his sock drawer. He slipped it into his pocket, grabbed his keys, and went down to the car.

* * *

><p>Ignatius was shelving chemicals when the doorbell rang. Sighing, he set the heavy jar he was holding back onto the table, hopped down from the stepladder and went to buzz his guest in. For the millionth time, he threw a mental curse at the Trickster and the Pied Piper. If they hadn't trashed his lab all those years ago, he'd probably be further along in his sciene-themed supervillainy, and he'd have hunches to do this sort of thing.<p>

When he had enough of a rep to have hunches, he decided he wanted the kind that wore less cool versions of his own costume. And he'd refer to them by number…though maybe not at first. If he only had six or seven henches, referring to them by number wouldn't sound very intimidating at all. But if he waited until he had enough for high numbers, how would he keep track of them all?

Ignatius was interrupted from his brooding by his guest (his first client!) walking into his lab. The dignified looking woman took a look around, frowned, and then schooled her expression back into polite disinterest. "Hello Dr. Roth."

"Hello Mrs. Rathaway. I take it you've come to a decision about my services?"

She nodded. "Yes. I had a meeting with my son's partner, and I approve of him. If nothing else, he's handsome."

"Well that is important for baby making, I suppose. But if you want, I can skew things so that your grandkids'll get more of a Rathaway family resemblance," Ignatius offered.

"No, don't play with it. I don't care if the baby looks like Hartley or James. I'm just paying you to make me a grandchild." She set a briefcase on one of the few tables in the room that wasn't cluttered with papers, instruments, or half started doomsday devices.

Ignatius opened the case and smiled. She'd actually paid what he asked! He'd be able to pimp out his base, finish off one of the machines and be a hench-status villain in no time!

He closed the case, walked over to a shelf and picked up a wooden box. "Alright Mrs. Rathaway, pay attention. There are four envelopes of powder in this box. The carrier needs to ingest one packet once a week at the same time. The powder is odorless, tasteless, and colorless, so it shouldn't be a problem. Congratulations, you're going to be a Grammy."

"I think I'd prefer it if the baby called me Nonny. Thank you very much Dr. Roth, you've been very helpful."

"It's been a pleasure. Remember to mention me to your friends, okay?"

She nodded, took the box, and left.

**SOME WEEKS (AND FOUR LUNCHDATES) LATER…**

"You know what Pookie, maybe I'd better skip out on the ice-cream today."

"It's almost triple digits. I think going out for ice cream's a good plan," Piper commented. He was in the bedroom brushing his hair out, while James was getting ready in the bathroom with the door open.

James poked at his stomach. "Yeah, but I'm getting fat. Or maybe I'm just bloated or something. Is it normal to bloat when it's hot out?"

Piper shrugged, then realized that James wasn't looking at him. "I'm not sure. Anyway, you're not fat, now let's get going."

"I told you, I don't want to go!"

"Well then you can watch me eat ice cream. James, it's disgusting in here. I'm not staying in the house while the air conditioner's broken."

"Fine." Sulking, James left the bathroom in his boxers. He chucked the pair of jeans he'd been trying to change into on the floor and started rifling through the dresser.

Piper picked up the discarded jeans and examined them. 'They're not even his skinny jeans…'

"James, are you okay?"

"Yeah…just wondering why the hell my clothes aren't fitting."

Piper studied him for a moment. "Look, you're not fat, you've just got a bit of a tummy. We're getting older, it happens. I promise you, you're still sexy. Now will you please go out for ice cream with me?"

James pulled on a pair of old sweatpants with a resigned sigh. "Yeah, yeah. But we need to swing by the store and buy some new clothes. Your sweats are all grey and green and boring."

"I'm sorry my scrubby clothes aren't to your liking." Piper started for the bedroom door and stopped when he noticed James wasn't following. Now he was getting impatient. He turned around to yell at his boyfriend, but stopped when he saw James curled into a fetal position on the bed.

Piper sat down next to him and started stroking back his hair. "James, what's wrong?"

"I dunno, I just feel like shit all of a sudden."

"Emotionally or physically?" Piper asked.

"Both. You should just go without me so I don't drag you down. I'll hang in and fix the air conditioner when I stop feeling like ass."

Piper curled up next to him and wrapped his arms around James. "That doesn't sound like much fun. I wanted to spend time with you."

"Yeah, well, I'm not much fun right now. Sorry I've been so whiny lately."

"It's alright, you've certainly put up with worse from me." Besides, the cuddling was nice. Slowly, James relaxed, and shifted so that he was holding Piper. Piper nuzzled into James' chest, contenting himself with cuddles and a nap instead of ice cream and the park, when he noticed something…

He was hearing two heartbeats.

Piper shot up out of bed and jumped across the room, gaping at James. "What the-why in the-WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Piper, baby, you're acting kinda crazy right now and it's really freaking me out…" James said slowly, holding up his hands disarmingly, faced scrunched up in confusion.

"There's a heartbeat coming from your stomach! James, there's-THERE'S SOMETHING ALIVE INSIDE YOU!"

James looked down at his bloated stomach, and then started screaming.

**LATER**

"Hi Kendra. Thanks for coming out."

The pretty crime doctor had a very unbecoming scowl on her face. The last time she'd been in the twin cities she'd left under less than ideal, Rogue-related circumstances. But she'd always liked Piper, and so with the reassurance that he and James were no longer Rogues (and the promise of a fat paycheck) she'd agreed to do a house call on one of her former clients.

"So where's James?"

"Upstairs in the bedroom. He's, er…well I freaked him out a little. When I left the room he was rocking himself in the corner sobbing."

Kendra shook her head. "You boys always make things interesting. Alright, since you've just admitted you've been agitating my patient, would you mind waiting down here sweetie? Thank you."

Piper paced in the hallway for a few minutes, then went into the kitchen and paced in there. He had no idea what was going on, but was confident in Kendra's ability to figure it out.

After about ten minutes she came back downstairs and Piper ambushed her in the hallway. "I'm just getting something from the car. Hon, calm down. I'm pretty sure James is fine, and after I do one last test, I'll let you come in, okay?"

"Al-alright." Despite the reassurance, Piper was still worried.

The test only took another ten minutes, but to Piper it felt like hours. Kendra poked her head out the bedroom door to see Piper sitting across from her wringing his hands. "Come on in Piper. I've got news for you guys."

Piper sat down next to James on the bed and squeezed his hand. He was pale and shaky, looking about how Piper felt.

Kendra, at least, was smiling.

"So what's going on? Is it a sentient alien tumor? A massive parasite?" James asked.

"In a manner of speaking," Kendra said, trying not to giggle. James glared at her. "Sorry, that was unprofessional. Well, damned if I know how this happened, but congratulations are in order. James, you're pregnant. Just shy of three months, if I'm not mistaken."

"Wait, what?" James asked. Piper had gone silent with shock. "How could I possibly be pregnant?"

"I'm not sure, but you most definitely are. Now, there are some things you're going to need to check into. A male body obviously isn't capable of carrying a child, but since the baby's already gotten as big as it has, you've probably spontaneously developed a womb and all the other internal equipment you need. If you haven't, you'll need some superscience help protecting the baby. I'm sorry, I'm assuming you want to keep it. Did you want me to terminate the pregnancy?"

"Yes, of course!" Piper yelled instinctually.

James put his hands over his stomach and pulled away. "We could talk about this first you know."

"What? James, you're a man! Getting pregnant was obviously some kind of freak mistake. You don't really want to carry a baby, do you?"

"I don't want to kill my child either!"

"…_our_ child, you mean?" Piper asked in a small voice.

"Alright, well if you boys are keeping the baby then like I said, James, you'll need a checkup from someone better equipped to deal with this. Preferably before the nine months are over," Kendra said with a sweet smile. "After all, the baby's got to come out somewhere, and nature didn't equip you with the necessary parts for the job."

It shouldn't have been possible, but James managed to pale further. "Can't I get a C-section?"

"Of course you can sweetie. I just don't think I'll ever get the opportunity to tease a man with this again," Kendra said, winking at them. "So here's a referral to the nearest branch of STAR labs," She handed James a business card and a note, "And I'll be on my way then. Take care boys."

"Bye Kendra."

* * *

><p>"Will you please stop laughing? It's really not funny."<p>

Wally didn't bother trying to contain his mirth until his girlfriend whapped him upside the head. "Ow! You didn't have to hit me…"

"Piper and James asked you to stop laughing three times now, so yes, I did." Linda turned to face their friends. "So how do we feel about this? Other than embarrassed, I mean. You're keeping the baby?"

James nodded. "Yup. Apparently we both wanted kids eventually anyway, so we're just gonna roll with it and try to see it as a good thing." James shot a warning look at Wally. "Still weirded out and sensitive though, so watch it Flashy-pants."

"Yeah, yeah," Wally grumbled.

Linda traded a _look_ with Piper. He arched an eyebrow and shook his head, and she rolled her eyes.

"So since we're not exactly thrilled with the circumstances, we're going to try to keep things secretive. The guys at STAR labs are hooking us up with a room on the premises, and we're planning to show up after the six months with a baby and act like we adopted," Piper explained. "You're cool keeping our secret, right?"

"Of course," Wally readily agreed. "Did you figure out how James got knocked up yet? It's not contagious, right?" He looked genuinely concerned about that, while Linda looked an inch from a cackle.

"No, we're still friggin' clueless," James admitted. "But there are interns at STAR competing for the privilege of studying me."

Wally smirked, and this time Piper whapped him. "Ow! I wasn't going to say anything! Jeeze, you guys all think the worst of me, don't you?"

"You laughed for almost five straight minutes. Yes, frankly I do," James snapped. "It really is weird timing though, the whole pregnancy thing. I mean, I've started hanging out with Piper's mom a little, and she's the one who got me thinking about having kids to begin with."

Piper's eyes widened. He jumped up and fished his phone out of his pocket. "She wouldn't!"

"Piper, are you okay?" Wally asked.

"She did it! I don't know how, I barely understand why, but my mother is the reason you're pregnant!" Piper yelled.

James gaped at him. "How?"

"I don't know! But I warned you! She's a devious, manipulative woman and she doesn't care what happens to other people if they're in the way of something she wants! I'll bet you anything, _she's the reason you're pregnant_!" He stormed out of the room for what was sure to be an awkward phone call.

* * *

><p>"Well really dear, I think you're <em>trying<em> to take this in the worst way possible…of course that doesn't sound like an apology, because I'm _not _apologizing…come now darling, James even admitted to me that he wanted children, but he wasn't sure if you'd be able to manage an adoption with your criminal histories…I know, but surrogacy isn't exactly ideal. This way the baby will really be both of yours…Yes, I know it's uncomfortable for James, but really it wasn't exactly pleasant for me-yes of course, carrying and birthing you was one of the worst experiences of my life! H-hello? Huh. Wherever did that boy learn his manners? It certainly wasn't from me."

* * *

><p>Piper walked into the room at STAR with a bag brimming with every kind of junk food he ever remembered seeing James with. His boyfriend was sitting up in bed reading a pregnancy book.<p>

"Hey Pookie. Looks like the feet swelling thing is gonna stick around for the rest of the pregnancy. Can you pick me up some comfy slippers the next time you're out?"

"Sure. You're doing better with the morning sickness though, right?"

"Yep."

"God, I can't believe I'm having this conversation. James, I'm so, so sorry."

"Don't be, it's not your fault your mom's crazy. You did try to warn me." James frowned. "I thought the worst that could happen was head games."

Piper laughed bitterly. "Me too. I really didn't see this coming." He started putting away the junk food. James caught sight of the ice cream.

"You wanna pass that along? No need to scoop it out into a bowl, just give me the pint and a spoon. So yeah, anyway, I am _so_ never taking that woman out for lunch again, no matter how charming a companion she is."

"And we're never letting her near the baby."

"Well that's a bit much, don't you think?" James asked.

Piper narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "How do you figure? She obviously doesn't have respect for peoples' feelings or a sense of proper boundaries."

"Yeah, but I don't talk to my folks. And despite this," He waved at his pregnant belly, "My parents are actually more dangerous to a child's well being. Yours didn't drop you from dangerous heights on a regular basis. I'd like our baby to have one set of grandparents they can interact with."

"My parents never dropped me from a tightrope, but they did carve up my ears, put enough pressure on me to drive most angsty teens to suicide, and, oh yeah, _impregnated my boyfriend_. We'll find the baby a nice, safe set of surrogate grandparents. Wally always says good things about the Garricks. I think we should make an effort to be more friendly with them."

"Hm. I'll bake them a casserole. Any thoughts on baby names?"

"I like Melodie for a girl."

"You would. I was thinking Trixie."

"Come on, Melodie's at least pretty."

"And Trixie isn't?"

* * *

><p>During the eighth month, James came back from a checkup at the lab to find his room decked out in pastel streamers. He stood in the doorway and blinked a few times, then collapsed onto the couch.<p>

A few minutes later he heard Linda and Piper arguing with each other as they walked up the hall towards the room.

"That's not the point! I really don't think he wants a baby shower."

"Well I don't care. He's getting one, pathetic thing it's going to be with just the four of us. Now did you ask him y-"

"Shush-ssh! And no. Now when he gets back, the first word out of your mouth will not be 'surprise'. It will be some variation on 'blame me, not Piper'."

"Alright sweetie. Oh hi James. Surprise! Blame me, not Piper," Linda said, noticing him glowering at her from the couch.

"He's right. I don't want a baby shower."

"Come on, it's just me and Wally and Piper. We've got cake and presents, it'll be fun."

"…What kind of cake?"

* * *

><p>Rachel couldn't believe how thoroughly her plan had backfired on her. Proud as she was of her son's intelligence, it really was annoying that he had noticed her hand in James' predicament. And now the two weren't speaking to her, and she would have a beautiful grandchild that she could never talk to. It wasn't fair. She didn't even know if she should be expecting a grandson or granddaughter.<p>

Just to be safe, she'd bought them gender neutral presents in whites and yellows, and everything had been returned to the house (some with angry faces drawn in sharpie on the packages). By the time the ninth month rolled around, Rachel was getting desperate.

She knew of course that Hartley was friends with the Flash, and that the Flash was dating that reporter, Linda Park. Ergo, it was a safe bet Hartley was talking with Linda as well. So after some investigating (which was _not_ spying or stalking, despite Osgood's comments), she managed to figure out some of the woman's habits. She missed her at the nail salon, but managed to catch her in line waiting for a latte.

"Oh, excuse me miss, you wouldn't happen to be Linda Park, would you?"

"From the local news, yep."

"My, I didn't think it was possible, but you are prettier in life. It's nice to meet you dear. You know, I think you may be friends with my son. Oh, pardon me, I'm Rachel Rathaway. Do you know Hartley?"

The girl smiled, with more amusement than Rachel was comfortable with. "Yep. Very good friends, actually. Good enough to know that he's not talking to you for a reason. Nice try though."

Fine. If she wanted to play that way, Rachel was game.

Linda was next in line at the counter, and as soon as she ordered her drink Rachel pushed in next to her, ordered her own and paid for them both. "Won't you join me dear, or did you need that to go?"

Linda sighed. "Well since you told them 'for here', I guess I don't have much of a choice."

They sat down at a table, Linda still blatantly amused and now curious to boot, Rachel masking herself with mannered responses. No one in the café picked up on the tension between them.

"So how is Hartley? It's been an age since I've seen him."

"About six or seven months now, right?"

"Five and a half."

"Mm. Took him a bit to realize you were behind it. What you really mean is how's James, right?"

"Yes, I had been wondering about him. He's such a pleasant young man. Will you tell him I miss our lunch dates?"

"Sure, since you can't tell him yourself and all."

"Really, there's no need to rub my face in it," Rachel sniffed, mask starting to slip.

Linda demurely sipped her coffee. The self satisfaction gave way a little, since Rachel was displaying some human emotions. She took a little pity on her. "Everything's going fine. The baby's developing normally, James is perfectly healthy. Since he doesn't have a birth canal they're just going to do a C-section once the baby's big enough. Should be any day now."

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Rachel asked, completely transparent in her desire to hear about her son's family.

"Boy. Congratulations. I've got to head out though. Excuse me miss, can I get this in a to-go cup? Bye Mrs. Rathaway."

"Oh, yes, er, thank you."

After she finished her coffee, Rachel went by the florist's to get an arrangement of blue and white daisies. While she was writing out the card she had a thought, and excused herself to place an order to the restaurant she'd taken James to during her lunch dates with him. He'd liked the chocolate cake. She had some sent along, and then went back to the counter to pay for the flowers.

**LATER THAT WEEK**

"Oh my gosh Hartley, he's beautiful!"

"Thanks. And creepily enough, he has equal parts Rathaway and Giuseppe genetics. Whatever superscientist Mom paid to do this was thorough." Piper sat down in Wally's living room while Linda carefully cuddled his infant son. Wally, for some reason, was rifling through the diaper bag.

"How's James?" Linda asked.

"Crabby," Piper answered bluntly. "But he's already mostly got his old body back, something we've both been enthusiastically looking forward to. The lab techs have been really good about fixing him up, so there won't be any lingering femininity."

"So no lactating, huh?" Wally asked. Linda snorted.

"Happily, no. Dylan's going to be formula fed."

"How'd you come up with Dylan for his name anyway?" Linda asked, while she tickled the baby's tiny little feet.

"We were arguing over names pretty constantly, then we heard Positively 4th Street on the radio, and I pitched Dylan and he didn't hate it." Piper shrugged.

"So babies have a lot of equipment, huh?" Wally commented, having finished his diaper bag perusal.

"Yep. At this stage it's mostly diapers and spare outfits for when the diapers don't do their job. Oh, and formula. Dylan likes his bottles."

"Hm…babies are more expensive than I thought. Linda, you're being careful about the pill, right?"

She scowled. "You've just ensured increased vigilance." Her scowl melted when she looked back at the baby though. "Hello Dylan. Hello! Oh, he's so cute! Congratulations again."

"Thanks."

"So when are you proposing to James?"

"Wait, what?" Wally asked, gaping at Piper. "You can do that?"

"Kind of. It's not technically legal here-"

"Wally, before you say something irredeemably stupid, Piper and James won't get arrested for having a marriage ceremony."

"I know that!" Wally blurted defensively. "I've been friends with Piper longer than you, which is plenty long enough to get the DOMA speech. They can get ceremonially married here, but they don't get the legal protections and benefits of a civil ceremony. Take that!"

"Alright, maybe you are worth reproducing with," Linda teased.

"Piper, take your baby back. She's getting ideas."

"So…when is the question popping?" Linda asked, pointedly looking at Piper.

"Sometime after he's back from the lab. If you don't mind watching Dylan for a night, I want to take James someplace nice. Even if I chicken out, he deserves a nice night out to partially make up for what he's been through."

"Plus as soon as his body's back to what you lust over, you want to jump him."

"Linda, ew!" Wally yelped.

Piper ignored him. "Oh hells yes. They've assured me his stomach will be returned to its deliciously tight and glorious status. Not to mention his ass-"

Wally grabbed Dylan from Linda and started walking towards the kitchen. "Come on little guy, we don't have to listen to this."

"It's okay hon, you can come back. We'll behave," Linda said around a laugh.

"Good. That is no way to talk in front of a baby."

"Wally, he's months and months away from having the faintest clue what we're saying," Piper assured him.

"Yeah yeah. By the way, am I holding him right? This is right, right? You need to support his head and everything?"

"You know James said almost the exact same thing the first time he held Dylan."

* * *

><p>During the course of the pregnancy, Piper's lease ran out so he moved his things into James' house. He and Wally had spent a few days sorting through the couple's possessions, baby-proofing everything except the officeworkshop, and setting up a nursery. James was excited to see what their place looked like.

However, when they got home from the laboratory, it was to find the view of their home mostly obscured by boxes.

"Should we keep driving and send Wally back to check it out…?" James asked.

"No, I'll bet you anything it's my mother trying to buy her way back into our good graces. James, please tell me you didn't actually eat any of that cake she sent you."

"I didn't! For the last frickin' time! She was probably going for triplets with that thing. Do you think I'm that stupid? Three more Dylans wouldn't be too bad though." James turned around in his seat to smile fondly at the napping infant in the car seat. "I can't believe we made that. How frickin' cool is that?"

"I know, he's precious. I still don't want Mom to impregnate you again."

James carried Dylan into the nursery, inspecting all the new furnishings as he went, while Piper looked over the boxes. After a few minutes Piper joined James in the nursery. "Yep, it's Mom's work. Big, fancy toys for Dylan."

"How fancy?"

"Doesn't matter. I'm returning them or donating them."

"Oh come on Pookie, they're toys! That's punishing me and Dylan! We can use them without letting her visit, it's…okay grumper, we can donate them. You hear that Dylan? Your daddy's being a grumper."

"I swear to God James, if you're trying to turn him against me already-"

"Hey, we know who's going to be the fun dad and who's going to be responsible. Why bother delaying the distinction?" James put the sleepy baby in the crib and then stood over it looking at him. Piper came up behind him and enveloped him in a hug. "Despite the discomfort of the past nine months, can't say I'm that upset with the results."

"I know. It is…it is nice having a baby that's part of both of us." Piper kissed James' cheek, and contentedly held him for a moment, looking at their son.

Screw the night out, now was as good a time as any, and this was the perfect place.

"James, I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure thing Pookie. I'm all ears."

"Okay…well…" Piper took a deep breath, and tried to remember the romantic little speech he'd prepared. "I need to be serious for a minute. James, being with you…this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know I usually talk about my time as a criminal as a painful and confused part of my life, because it was, but I want you to know that I wouldn't change a second of it if I could. Because if I hadn't been a Rogue, I wouldn't have met you. I don't say it enough, since we're always joking, but I love you, and I'm so glad you came into my life and forced me to smile again."

Piper took the ring box he'd been keeping in his pocket out and got down on one knee. "Giovanni, will you marry me?"

James silently took the ring and looked at it. "Oh babe…is this that sapphire I gave you back when I was still in denial?"

"It is. Linda got it set for me. The band's not too feminine, right?"

"No, it's…it's perfect."

"Alright, so can I have an answer yet?" Piper asked, giving voice to his anxiety. James pulled him close for a tender kiss.

"Hart, I really do want to marry you, but that's the thing…what you're talking about, it's not…it's not _really_ marriage, is it? We've never done anything halfway. We didn't even do gay-baby halfway, even though that wasn't entirely our fault." James closed the ring box, pressed it into Piper's hand and held his own over it. "Let's save this for after we've kicked DOMA's ass and do the thing properly, okay? Babe, you're not-you're okay, right?"

Piper beamed at him. "That was the most romantic thing you've ever said to me. Crazy activist, remember? These are happy tears."

James laughed, obviously in relief. "Cool. Alright, now that that's been discussed, what's it gonna take to get you to at least think about talking to your mother?"

Piper frowned thoughtfully.

* * *

><p>Osgood met Piper and James in the front hall, showing some surprise. "Hello son. I'd been sure your mother had scared you off for good this time."<p>

"Just about. Still though, this one insisted I give mending fences a try." Piper jerked his head towards James, who was holding Dylan and making him wave hello to his grandpa.

"Hello grandpa. Well, Dylan's saying hello in spirit anyway. Hi Mr. R."

"Hello James. It's good to see you both, come on into the sitting room."

They'd just managed to get into the room when Jerrie came running down the hall and tackle hugged Piper. "Hello big brother!"

"Hi Jer! Had a little sugar today?" Piper laughed.

"Maybe…is that my nephew? Hi Dylan! Can I hold the baby?"

"Sure Jerrie, but you've gotta be careful." James sat down with Jerrie on the couch and helped her take the baby. "Watch his neck. He can't hold his head up yet."

"Okay. Wow, he's got big eyes. Hi baby. I'm Jerrie, your auntie. I colored you lots of pictures while you were in your daddy's belly."

"So where's Mom?" Piper asked.

"Hopefully keeping herself out of trouble," Osgood said with a long suffering sigh. "James, I want to extend my deepest sympathy and apologize for what my wife did to you."

"Eh, we got a healthy little boy out of the deal. I'm mostly over it. Piper's the one who wants to make a big deal out of it."

"Well she needs to learn to respect boundaries," Piper snapped.

"She _is_ sorry," Osgood said carefully, watching Piper's expression.

"Hey Jerrie, you wanna give me and your new nephew a tour of this giganticus house?" James asked. Jerrie nodded enthusiastically, and the three of them left to give the father and son some privacy.

Osgood silently paced for a moment while Piper stood with his arms crossed huffily over his chest. Osgood took a look at his son, sighed, and then went to find his wife. He was back with her in a moment, and to Piper's annoyance she looked anything but apologetic.

"Where's the baby?" Rachel asked, looking around expectantly. "I see a diaper bag. Where's my grandson?"

"James and Jerrie took him for a walk. Rachel, we need to talk," Osgood said heavily. "And you need to apologize to Hartley."

"Don't be silly dear, I've already done that."

"No you didn't Mom. You bought lots of things that we didn't want or need. That's not apologizing, and it's just as manipulative as everything else you've done lately," Piper snapped. "Besides Dad, she really needs to apologize to James."

"Does the baby look more like him or you?" Rachel asked. Piper looked like he wanted to strangle her.

Osgood pinched the bridge of his nose. "Rachel, do you want to be allowed visits with your grandson?"

"Well of course I-"

"And Hartley, do you want to reconcile with your mother?"

"Yes Dad, I-"

"Then you need to actually talk to each other. Rachel, apologize to the boy, and apologize to James when he gets back," Osgood said. Rachel nodded stiffly.

"Hartley, I'm sorry I meddled. It wasn't my place, I suppose. I was just trying to help, and really, I did get results-"

"_Rachel_!"

"Anyway, I'm sorry I offended you."

"Better." Osgood turned to Hartley.

"Fine, you're forgiven. But if you ever try anything even close to this again, we're moving out of the state and we won't even send you pictures of Dylan."

"_Hartley_!"

"Now really Rachel, what did you expect?" Osgood asked in exasperation.

Rachel sniffed indignantly. "Well! Now that you're both done ganging up on me, can I see my grandbaby yet?"

"I'll go find them." Piper went straight to his sister's room, where he found Jerrie introducing James and Dylan to each and every one of her stuffed animals. When they got back to the sitting room, Rachel repeated her very insincere apology to James, who forgave her instantly, and she finally got to hold the grandson she'd worked so hard to create.

"Oh my, but he's a lovely little thing isn't he?" Rachel asked breathlessly. "Oh goodness, except that nose. Hartley, the poor thing's got your nose."

"_Mom_!"

* * *

><p><em>AN: Hoping to write a sequel to this fic on the happy day when DOMA is repealed and marriage equality is attained. Help the ACLU strike down DOMA and support the Respect for Marriage act at their website :)_


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